I have stressed about my portfolio, my letter of references, my papers, resume, and grades for what seems like forever. I may have ruined a few good relationships in the process, and brought my self to point of stress where my best friend said “you look like you have been hit by a truck.” That was the day before I handed in my portfolio. And now, sitting with the letter, which states I have not been accepted to the four year master program….I feel relieved. So I am wondering….what’s up with that??
I want to be an architect? Is that true? Why do I want to be an architect?
In simplest terms …to create. Do I have to be an architect to create?
Maybe it's just a good story for my mind to chomp on for a while. Maybe it’s something to say when people ask what I'm doing with my life.
Why do people ask these questions? None of us know what we are doing from one day to the next. We don’t know whether we will even wake up in the morning. But somehow we want a concrete direction to move in. We want our paths to be laid out for us. Maybe so that our minds will stop the constant chatter. When the mind thinks it knows something of its future it seems to settle.
So then we could say, well in order for my mind to shut up for the time being, it is telling its self it wants to be an architect. It seems to help. If the path is completely unknown, as it now is, there is scrambling in the mind to find a direction. It scrapes at ideas and concepts, try’s to pick up scraps of information in order to formulate a plan, but in the end all plans fall through the cracks.
While my mind scrapes at the residue of a make believe path, my being is more expanded, lighter and more free with this newfound information. I have no idea what I will do. And the world is completely open to me. There is eternal space open for things to come or not come, and this feels good. This feels peaceful. So am I disappointed? No. How could I be disappointed to find out that life has other opportunities for me, and I don’t even have a clue what they might be. Am I excited? Yes! The adventure continues!
Will I apply again next year? Yes, and time will tell what is in store for me.
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